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6 Months Later

The last time I posted here I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Mollster. I can not even believe everything that has transpired since then. It feels like an entire life time ago. Suddenly I am a mommy to the most special little girl in the entire world. It’s like nothing I could have ever expected and I think if I had known how hard those first few weeks would be that I would have been a little more patient when the little love took her dear sweet time getting here! 

There is really nothing that can ever prepare you for the wild ride that is first time parenthood. No matter how many books you read, no matter how much babysitting experience you have- nothing will ever prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster that lies ahead. 

Honestly, my expectations for the whole thing were very low. I never loved babysitting and as a life long introvert the idea of welcoming another little person into my space felt like a big adjustment. I just never romanticized or idolized raising children. I always understood that it entailed a lot of work and that it would cause my lifestyle to drastically change. 

But then, God gave me my very own daughter. 

In the midst of the haze that was those first few weeks of newborn life, I sat in Molly’s nursery, trying my best to breast feed this maybe 7 pound peanut when “Goodness of God” by Bethel came on over our home sound system. 

A few times in my life I have tangibly felt the presence of God through music. Once – when I was walking through Katherine Legge Park as an 18 year old and “Amazing Love” came on my iPod in between Bling 182 and Beyonce. It stopped me in my tracks and I could have sworn God was there walking behind me. I knew for certain God loved me, actually loved me, in that moment. 

Well this time the emotional impact of this song felt so guttural I could barely catch my breath. There I sat cradling this tiny, mangled little mess of limps and the biggest blue eyes that just never seemed to close and —oh the complete and total joy- she is the physical manifestation of all the goodness of God to me. God entrusted her to us and she is more than I could have ever imagined. I held Molly close, cried and closed my eyes and felt God sitting there with us in her dusty pink nursery. 

My expectations for parenting were so low that I was never prepared for the incredible joy that comes with it. I could have never expected the gift I received in this tiny little girl. I felt ready for the work and sacrifice but not the love. Oh not the all consuming love. I think in some ways the “hard” parts of parenting are easier to comprehend than preparing for the overwhelming love. 

So- is it hard work? Yes. Of course. Has the love caused me to forget the physical trauma that is childbirth? Definitely not. I have some scars that hurt my vanity and also some health issues that go deeper than just superficial problems. 

My body changed and so did my heart. 

The internal change feels much more dramatic.