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Making church friends

^^ my girls praying for me at my wedding

The other day I got the sweetest email from a girl who wanted to find church community and church friends but felt lonely and alone.

Gah! I am not sure if there is something that pierces my heart more, because I so get it. I know what it feels like to walk into a church, see all those groups of friends sitting together and then awkwardly scan the room to see which seating location will most help to hide the stamp on your forehead that screams “I AM ALONE HERE.” I know what it feels like to leave church feeling more alone than you felt when you walked in.

I know what it feels like to look around the room and wonder if the mental gymnastics it took to get here is even worth it.

I get it – soooo get it.

Making friends as an adult is not the same as making friends in college and making friends in a church community can feel like a whole other animal. While I was at U of I, I lived in a sorority house and had 60 immediate girlfriends. The fact that I went to a huge state school, also meant all my sorority sisters and I were pretty similar- we all came from the same background, middle to upper class, Chicago suburbs mostly, we were all pretty studious, and all loved the Bachelor. 😉 I loved every second of my girl time in my little bubble there.

But then I left college. God changed my heart and I wanted to know more about Him and wanted friends who also could encourage my pursuit of knowing Jesus. At this point I had no Christian friends. Not a single one.

So where do you find those friends? Church.

I started going to church and sat alone in the back every Sunday for a month. Every Sunday I invited some of my sorority sisters to see if they wanted to join. Then one Sunday one of my sweet friends accidently texted me “Why does Mary keep inviting us to church?!”. I got the message and realized I was on my own in this wanting to know Jesus thing.

I remember being shocked by how many young, normal looking people there were at church and confused by how they had become friends with each other. It seemed like a daunting task since I had sat in that same church for a month and had successfully made 0 friends.

I would get home from church each week and cry. My tears turned into prayers. “God if you want me to do this whole Jesus thing I need you to give me friends and if you do not do it soon, I do not think I can keep doing this.”

Looking back, now I can see God was creating a deep sensitivity in my heart for the lonely and alone during this time. Until you have felt totally alone in a room, you are oblivious to those standing at the buffet table at the party waiting to strike up a conversation with someone, anyone.

I realized that just going to church and then running out when it was done was not working so I started changing my plan of attack. I went to every after-church dinner, every singles volunteer event, and every possible church social event. At one of those after-church dinners I met a blonde angel named Anastasia. She immediately saw that I was desperately trying to find community in church and so she asked for my phone number and then the next week asked me to go out for brunch after church.

At brunch, I told her everything about my path to church. She told me everything about her path to church. That brunch was life changing for me. I had found a friend who got it. Anastasia then invited me to join her small group and the story of Mary going to church alone ends here with the most beautiful happy ending you could ever imagine. Our small group became one of the most amazing, holy, transforming gifts of my life. I still cry thinking about God’s faithfulness within it.

If you are attending church alone and searching for community my suggestions are this- keep going and be smart about where you are going. Make sure to look around you when you are at church. If you are the only twenty-something in a room filled with fifty-somethings, then you need to find another church. You will find one. And once you find a church filled with people your age, then you must keep going.

God is faithful. Keep showing up week after week and people will notice. Continue to put yourself out there. Muster up every brave bone in your body and attend volunteer days, church dinners and social events alone. God will honor you.

Not everyone will jump at the chance to add another friend to her life, and you must respect that because we all have a limited relational capacity and sometimes it just gets full. But if you want a good friend, find a lonely person. There is no better, more appreciative friend than someone who is so thankful to have you as a friend.

God knows what you need. He continually promises that if you keep seeking Him, then He will provide. In the meantime remain patient and faithful, your own beautiful happy ending is right around the corner.

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